


TDD: Extra

by SolidCoffee



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, i'll add more prompts i do with time, provided i get more lol, the harley/joker relationship follows the au version not the canon version
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-08 15:26:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12867507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolidCoffee/pseuds/SolidCoffee
Summary: Sometimes I take writing prompts on my tumblr, and sometimes I make them about my weird AU. So here's some of those prompts. And I don't edit them and they're all short because I am weaksauce when it comes to college and it eats up all my time and creativity





	1. So…did you miss me?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting these on here because I don't want it to seem like I'm not working on anything, because I usually am, it's just usually not stuff I post. But anyway
> 
> This is the first prompt I did in the first batch of prompts I got that I made Batman related. It's set in this weird offshoot AU of my usual AU - The Dysfunctional Duo (which is a story about Batman and Joker working together so that Joker's less of a terrible person and whatnot) - and this AU entails the Joker going missing for like, four years

“So…did you miss me?”

Bruce stared at the Joker. Four years ago, the two of them had been working together on the Joker’s reformation until one day, he just disappeared. There was no note explaining why, he left everything behind, and no one had heard a word from him since. He never appeared on the news in Gotham or any other city. He was just gone.

But last week during a thunderstorm quite similar to the one the Joker had arrived to Wayne Manor in the first time, he had shown up again. There was a knock on the door and Bruce went to answer it. When he opened the door, the Joker was there, and immediately collapsed into Bruce’s arms.

It looked like he had been living in a cave for the past four years. His hair had grown down to the middle of his back, his clothes were torn, and he was drenched in rainwater and caked in mud. And it wasn’t just mud from his trek to the mansion, it seemed. Bruce had run several tests on it, and some of it wasn’t native to anywhere near Gotham.

Bruce had carried the Joker back to the room he had been staying in before he disappeared and set him on the bed. It was three days before he woke up, and even then, he had just said a few words to Selina, then went back to sleep for two more days.

And now he was awake. Fully. And Bruce needed to talk to him.

“I suppose it was pretty boring without you here to bother me.” Bruce said, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall next to the door of the bedroom.

The Joker smiled and stretched out his back, attempting to reach for his feet that were still covered in the blankets. “You suppose? I guess I hadn’t made as much of an impression as I thought.”

Bruce sighed in response.

“Oh, don’t give me that.” The Joker said, straightening back up and leaning back, propping himself up by one hand.

“What’s with the hair?” He asked.

The Joker ran a hand through his green hair and looked at it. “I guess I never cut it.”

A pause. “‘Guess’?”

The Joker continued to stare at his hair. “Yeah.”

Another pause.

“Where were you?” Bruce asked.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Somewhere.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow. The Joker glanced up at him, then shrugged again.

A bout of silence took over. Bruce kept watching the Joker, who looked everywhere but at him. He started twisting the blankets with his hand.

“So what have you been up to?” He asked.

“Over all the past four years?” Bruce asked.

“Yeah. I guess. I don’t know. Sure.” He finally looked at Bruce again. “I know you married Selina, so you can skip that part.”

“Then I’ve got nothing else important to talk about.”

The Joker smiled. “Aw. That’s kind of cute.”

Some more silence.

“You know I didn’t miss this whole thing.” The Joker said with a wave of his hand.

“What whole thing?” Bruce asked.

“The awkward pauses when we try to talk to each other.”

Bruce only nodded in response, which led to another pause.

“You did that on purpose.” The Joker said.

Bruce gave him the smallest smile in response, then nodded at him. “What did you do over the last few years?”

The Joker paused this time, then shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Like you don’t remember?” Bruce asked.

He looked down at the bed sheets. “Sure.”

Bruce stared at the Joker again. The sound of the rain outside filled the room. Early spring was terrible for the weather in Gotham. Almost every day brought rain it seemed. After so many years of protecting Gotham, weather like this always made Bruce’s bones ache. The Joker started to glance around the room again, avoiding looking Bruce as he did.

“So what are all my friends up to? Did you shove them into Arkham again?” He asked.

“The Riddler left town a year ago. Went to Star City to harass Green Arrow.” Bruce said.

The Joker giggled. “Yeah, he always said he wanted to do that some day.”

“Penguin’s still doing the same old thing. Took him back to Arkham a few days ago.”

“I expected no different.”

Bruce nodded. “Ivy and Harley have been working together a lot.”

The Joker paused, then raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure they’re  _just_  working together?”

“No, they’re together together, too.” Selina said, stepping into the room with a tray of food. “I brought you something to eat since you haven’t had anything since you got here.”

“Ooh, dietary sustenance. My favorite.” The Joker sat up in the bed and watched as Selina came over and set the tray on the bed in front of him.

“Shut your mouth and eat your food,” Selina said with a laugh. The Joker continued to smile and started to pick at the plates before him. Selina looked back to Bruce. “We should let him eat in peace.”

“Really? I’ve been gone for years and you already can’t stand being in the same room as me this soon?” The Joker asked, throwing a couple grapes into his mouth.

Selina hit him on the arm. “No you idiot, I just need to talk to Bruce and I don’t want him to distract you from eating.” She stuck a finger in his face. “Which you need to do.”

“I am! I am!” He popped a few more grapes into his mouth. “See?”

“Don’t be gross.” She said, then headed out of the room, dragging Bruce with her. “I’ll come check on you later.”

After she took Bruce far enough down the hall, she stopped and turned to him. “What’d he say to you?”

“He’s acting like he doesn’t remember anything that happened to him the whole time he was gone.” Bruce said. “I don’t believe him.”

“Do you think he’s trying to hide it?” Selina asked.

“It seems like it.”

Selina looked back down the hallway towards the room. “Why would he do that?”

Bruce also stared down the hall. “I’m not sure. Either he did something he doesn’t want to admit to, or something happened that he wishes he couldn’t remember.”

They stood there for a while, thinking over it all.


	2. Forget it…you suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one takes place before the events of The Dysfunctional Duo, and its about Pamela hating Joker. That's it basically lol

“I hate you.” Pamela said, glaring at the Joker where he laid, sprawled out on the floor of her greenhouse. He was dressed in a purple suit like usual, but the tie was loose and the shirt barely tucked in. Even the suit’s coat didn’t seem to match as well as they usually did, and his mismatched socks insulted her sensibilities. She figured he must have dressed himself that morning. Only he could screw up with such odd, minor details on this level.

“Good.” He said, staring up through the tree leaves at the glass ceiling above him.

“I want you to die.” She said.

“Relatable.”

She crossed her arms and tried to glare harder. “I could just kill you now.”

“I’d let you, but I think Harley’d be a little sad.” He paused. “A little. Maybe. Plus it might make her a little mad at you, too.”

“Where’d she even go?” Pamela leaned up against the tree behind her, though didn’t uncross her arms or stop glaring at the Joker. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see some vines start to creep toward his leg. (It’s a ‘just in case’ measure. Promise.)

“Out of town.” He said.

“I got that.”

“Didn’t specify.”

“Or did you not listen?”

“Probably that.”

Pamela huffed. “And why am I the one stuck watching you this time?”

“Selina’s cat that hates me had surgery and she doesn’t want to stress it out, Oz is mad at me again, and Ed’s in Arkham.”

“Why couldn’t Harley leave you with Harvey?”

He laughed, but one of those short, fake laughs. It made Pamela sneer. “That’s a great joke, Pamela. I didn’t know you were a comedian.”

She didn’t respond for a minute. “Why are you just laying on the floor?”

“Because last time I was here I knocked over one of your plants and then you kicked me out. I don’t want to risk that again.”

She stared at him a bit longer. The vines she had growing toward him started to recede. He looked over at her, waiting for something, but she wasn’t sure what.

“What?” She asked.

He shrugged and didn’t look away from her. “I don’t know. Usually you berate me more than this.”

“Well maybe I’m out of material to use against you this time.”

“I thought you stockpiled it. You always seem so ready to insult me and everything I am all the time.”

“That’s because everything you do is terrible and you’re a walking mistake.”

“Touché.”

They stared at each other for a bit longer in silence.

“Did you eat today?” She asked.

“No.” He said. An apple dropped onto his face. “Ow! What was that for?”

“I want you to discover gravity.” She said, then pointed to the apple that had rolled off onto the ground besides him. “Eat it.”

“I don’t want to.” Three more apples fell onto him. “Okay, okay! I’ll eat it! Geez.”

He sat up from the ground and picked up the apples, then set them all in his lap.

“Where are you staying?” She asked as he bit into one of the red apples.

“I don’t know. Wherever you put me.” He said between chewing.

“You can stay in the east wing. It’s got the hardiest plants. It’ll be harder for you to accidentally kill them with your stupidity.” She said.

“You’re greenhouse has wings?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Did you not see how big this place was?” She asked, then paused, remembering back to the hour before when his henchmen had dropped him off, asleep. “Wait, no, you didn’t. Nevermind.”

A pause. The Joker continued to eat the apple and started to glance around what was essentially an indoor forest. Pamela watched him as he did.

 _How in the world is Gotham’s worst criminal so incapable of taking care of himself?_ She thought.  _How can anyone fear him when he can hardly stay alive? I bet he’d be dead without Harley. In fact, I know he would. Because I would have killed him. Or he would have starved before I got to him. One of the two._

“How long are you staying here?” Pamela asked.

He shrugged. “Either until Harley gets back or you kick me out.”

“So the usual two hours.”

“I was thinking just one but we could shoot for a record if you’re up for it.”

He kept eating, but stopped looking around. Instead, he focused on the grass beneath him. Pamela continued to watch him. He continued chewing, swallowed, then just stared. He didn’t move for another bite. He just stared.

“What?” She asked. No response. “Hey idiot, I’m talking to you.”

Nothing.

“Hey!” She said. He looked over to her, but she could tell he wasn’t really focusing.

“What?” He asked. His voice seemed distant.

She shook her head and pushed off from the tree. “Forget it…you suck and I hate taking care of you.”

“Understandable, have a nice day.” He said as she walked away.


	3. I said I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prior to the events of The Dysfunctional Duo. A conversation kind of thing between Harley and Joker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always feel weird writing this relationship because the canon version is terrible and these two should never be near each other in the canon material because of it, which is where this comes in:
> 
> *DISCLAIMER*
> 
> I do not support the canon version of this relationship. I don’t want Joker to be anywhere near Harley in the canon. Unfortunately, growing up without the knowledge of how bad their relationship is but still being told they were together made me want them to be together. Plus, I didn’t have access to actual canon material, just vague ideas, so I filled in the gaps with my own ideas about how things were both in regards to the characters and their relationships.
> 
> This is in the context of my AU (The Dysfunctional Duo), where Joker is literally not the worst thing that’s ever existed and 1000% not as terrible as he was. Granted, he’s still not the greatest, but he’s a lot better than his canon version.
> 
> Granted, they still don't have the greatest relationship at this point in the story, but I'm still trying to make it nowhere near how the comics make it

Harley had been reading for about half an hour. The Joker had been sitting with his arms wrapped around her for that same half hour, with his ear pressed up against her back listening to her breathe. He was on the verge of having a panic attack a bit ago, and had just crawled into the bed behind her and began to hold onto her. She didn’t mind it - she knew it helped.

His grip on her started to loosen and she smiled, then looked over her shoulder back at him. He was falling asleep. Of course.

“You know you’d be more comfortable if you actually laid down in the bed instead of…” she said as she motioned to how they were sitting together, with her cross legged, basically in his lap and his legs stretched out on either side. “…this.”

“It’s fine.” He said. His words were slurred from how tired he was. Harley let out a small laugh and looked down at his foot.

“You could at least take off your shoes.” She said.

“Can’t reach them.” He readjusted his arms around her waist. She rolled her eyes.

Harley didn’t go back to reading her book, but instead just sat in the silence, listening to him trying to match her breathing still. With a hand, she pulled her blonde hair from where it lay on her back to her shoulder, making the Joker have to pick his head up from her back as well since he was resting it against her hair. Afterwards, he set his chin on her opposite shoulder.

“Whatcha reading?” He asked, looking down at the book sitting in her lap.

“Psychology stuff.” She said, receiving a sneer from him that made her narrow her eyes, though she smiled anyway. “Don’t give me that. You read plenty of stuff I find boring.”

“Fitzgerald is a treasure.” He shot her a side glare.

She stuck her tongue out. “Ugh.”

She let out a laugh and he smiled, then pressed his face back into her shoulder. For a moment, she watched him before resting her head against his.

“I love you,” she whispered. He lifted his head up and she looked at him.

“What?” He asked.

“I said I love you.” She said.

There was a pause as they stared at each other, then the Joker put his ear to her back again and went back to listening to her breathe through her shirt. Harley continued to stare where he had been before turning to stare instead at the book still resting on her legs.

“You know,” she whispered. “You’ve never said you loved me.”

No response. She picked at the bent, paperback cover of the book and kept waiting for him to say something. She felt him shift to press his forehead to her spine. His hold on her tightened.

“I know.” He said.

Harley dug a fingernail into the cover of the book. With her nails as long and sharp as they were, she was surprised she hadn’t gone straight through to the pages.

“Why?” She asked.

Again, no response. His thumb rubbed back and forth on her waist.

She took a deep breath that caught in her chest and she shut her eyes. “Why, J?”

She didn’t want him to answer, and she didn’t think he wanted to either.  His honesty always came out in full force when he was tired. She should have asked when he was awake.

His grip tightened and his skull dug into her back. He brought his legs from their outstretched positions to as close as he could, basically wrapping them around the space where she sat.

 _Don’t say anything,_ she thought. _I wish I hadn’t even asked in the first place. Just…don’t answer._

He sighed. “Because…”

_Stop. J. Please. Don’t say it._

“…I don’t want to lie to you.”

Harley lifted her head to the ceiling and shut her eyes even tighter. Her jaw was clenched like she was trying to stop the words from getting to her and piercing her heart.

But it was too late for that.

She could feel tears already threatening her and she clasped a hand to her mouth to keep herself from breathing, because she knew if she did, it’d all let loose. Like a chain reaction of heartbreak with the intent of shattering her soul.

She felt him hold onto her even tighter.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

_If you were, you wouldn’t have said that._

That one thought set off the whole collapse.

Harley broke into a full on sob in an instant and crumpled into the Joker’s arms. Her hand didn’t move from her mouth, but his arms moved from her waist to where he was almost cradling her. She pressed her head to her chest, listening over her own sadness to him tell her over and over how sorry she didn’t believe he really was.


	4. This is girl talk, so leave!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking place in the years prior to TDD. Selina and the Joker are living at Ed’s apartment while he’s going through college to get his doctorate. He arrives home late one night from school and finds them in the midst of a conversation.

Ed almost fell asleep in the elevator on his way up to his apartment. College had taken everything out of him that day, and there was nothing more that he wanted to do than just fall straight down on his bed and sleep for days. It would have been a lot nicer if he had his apartment to himself so he could just plop down straight on the couch without anyone bothering him, but no such luck. Sure, Selina would probably leave him alone, but the Joker? Absolutely not. He was loud, talkative, and too full of energy for Ed today. And it’s not that he didn’t like the Joker...mostly. They were friends in a way. At least, they were close enough for Ed to let him accidentally move in with him.

Ed leaned up against the door and searched through his bag for his keys. It wasn’t hard to find them since he kept everything in his bag so particular, but it still took time since he was so tired. He took them out and slid the key into the lock, leaning against the door even more. He could already hear the Joker droning on about something beyond the door. The words were too muffled to understand, but it still made Ed consider not going in. In the end, his lack of energy made him give in and unlock the door.

When he stepped into the apartment’s main room, he saw the Joker with his head down in the crook of one arm on the dining table and the other arm stretched out across it over to where Selina sat, painting his nails.

“What are you two doing?” Ed asked. The Joker let out a long groan and didn’t move.

“Joker’s having a lot of moments all at once.” Selina said, glancing up from his nails to Ed. “How was class?”

“Terrible, like usual.” Ed said, pulling off his shoes and setting them right besides each other next to the door, then straightening out Selina and the Joker’s as well. “I’d rather just quit totally and just go straight into crime with you guys.”

Selina shot him a look. “You’re not-”

“I know, I know. I can’t quit now. I’ve almost got my doctorate and you’d kill me if I stopped now.” He looked over at her. “We’ve been over this before.”

“You bet we have.” Selina returned to working on the Joker’s nails.

“Can we go back to my problems please?” The Joker said. His voice was muffled from still having his face shoved in his arm.

“We’ve been talking about your problems for a hour at this point. I think Ed should get a turn to complain.” She said.

“Screw Ed. I’ve got real problems that I can’t fix. At least his will be over in a couple years.” The Joker said.

“What’s wrong?” Ed asked, walking over to the table.

“I’m not backtracking on this conversation.” He said.

“He just feels lonely.” Selina said, dipping the nail polish brush back into the red bottle.

“You live in my apartment with the both of us and you two never leave and I never go out besides for school, and you feel lonely?” Ed asked, raising an eyebrow at the Joker.

“It’s different.” He said.

Ed shook his head. “How is it-”

“This is girl talk, Ed, so leave!” The Joker said, finally lifting his head up from the table to glare at Ed. Ed’s eyes went wide and he looked over at Selina. She just shrugged.

“You don’t have the whole story. Don’t worry about it. Go study or something.” She said. “I can deal with Mr. Moody.”

The Joker looked at her, then set his head down on the table. Ed sighed, then headed off towards the hall that led to his bedroom. As he left, he heard them return to their conversation.

“I hate everything.” The Joker said.

“I know you do, sweetie.” Selina said.


	5. How drunk was I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking place in the ridiculous AU where all the Batman villains work at Walmart together with Batman/Bruce Wayne as their manager, Joker wakes up very hungover and has to ask his coworker, Selina, about what all happened the day before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so this isn't TDD related but I really really wanted to share a dumb prompt I did for my really really dumb AU where all the villains work at Walmart together and are actively trying to get fired all the time but Batman/Bruce showed up as the new manager to whip them into shape and they hate it

Selina flipped through an old fashion magazine while she sat in an cheap camping chair as she waited for Joker to wake up. He was passed out on the cot he needed to replace in the shed he hid away in the Walmart stockroom and...well...was basically his house. Not only was he stuck working at Walmart, but he was there almost 24/7 anyway since he lived there, too. Lucky for him, the new store manager, Bruce, hadn’t figured it out yet. He was too busy dealing with the workers out on the floor to get started on the people working in the stockroom. Not that the stockers really needed to be put in line like everyone else - they were actually great at their jobs. So Bruce hadn’t needed to come back yet to talk with them.

Selina heard a noise and glanced over at Joker. He twisted in the cot and turned over towards her, to which she responded by kicking an empty trash can over to him. He grabbed it immediately and ducked his head into it and threw up.

“By the way, your shift starts in two hours.” Selina said, going back to her outdated magazine. “You can pay me back for the new trash can afterwards.”

Joker set the trash can back down and looked up at her through pained, squinted eyes. It wasn’t even that bright in the shed since it was just lit up by white Christmas lights from last year’s sale.

“What happened to my old trash can?” He asked.

“You destroyed it.” Selina said.

Joker paused. “How?”

“Well, you tried throwing it at Harvey a couple times because you, and I quote, said to him ‘You’re garbage and I need to return you to your home.’” Joker laughed, paused, then grabbed the trash can again. Selina raised an eyebrow. “You gonna be okay, buddy?”

“No.” He said, holding the trash can closer. “What even happened yesterday?”

Selina sighed and threw the magazine down onto the shelf next to her. “Well, Jervis was giving out ‘free samples’-”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” She smiled, then glanced over to him and saw him looking at her and smiling as well. “You got a little excited about it.”

“What kind of ‘free samples’ were they?”

“Whiskey.”

He giggled and set the trash can down so he could hide his face in his hands. “Of course it was.”

“And then you kept coming by for more ‘free samples’ and he just straight up started giving you Everclear.”

He rolled onto his back and kept his face in his hands. “Of _course_ he did.”

“Our Walmart’s not even allowed to sell that anymore because you’ve had so many incidents with it. Jervis said he had to go to the Walmart in the next town over since he knew he was on sample duty yesterday and knew you’d come by over and over.” She threw an arm over the back of her chair. “He says you’re the best when you’re plastered.”

Joker took his hands off his face and looked over at Selina. “How drunk was I?”

She looked up at the hard plastic shed ceiling in thought. “Well, in addition to the trash can incident with Harvey, you also tried to make a car out of the tires in Auto Care which Bane threw a fit over, you stole three of Pamela’s plants and hid them throughout the store-” she threw him a look. “-and I’m not talking small plants. I’m talking, like, basically the biggest plants in Lawn & Garden. Like you straight up took some of those palm plants and hid them all. She still can’t find one of them, and I have no idea how you did it.” She shifted in her seat. “I know you put one of them in the pharmacy since Harley was there - and you also rearranged all the prescriptions with her. Then you went off and put all the baby clothes in the men’s department before you tried to give Oz a makeover, except you were trying to use markers instead of actual makeup.”

Joker threw his arm over his eyes. “So I was just about as drunk as usual.”

“You also took all the heels from the shoe department and you tried to throw them into the rafters and get them stuck up there. Then you’d find another pair of the ones that got stuck and I think you hid them under your cot because those were, according to you, were the chosen ones.” She said.

“Please tell me-”

“They’re all hideous?” Selina cut in, then gave a quick glance to the shoes poking out from under the cot. “Absolutely.”

“Good.”

Selina smiled, then got up from her chair. “Well, I gotta get back to work. Hope you get better, bud.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just gonna hope that Jervis is on sample duty again.” He said, peeking at her from under his arm. “I can drink away the hangover and do it all over again.”

“That’s the spirit!” Selina said with a wink before she headed back out of the shed.


	6. Previously Cut Target Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was originally part of The Dysfunctional Duo, but I cut it because of pacing issues or something. I still really like it, though, so I'm sticking it here.  
> Anyway, Bruce and Selina go to Target to pick up some stuff for Joker to make him less bored while he stays at the Manor.

Bruce and Selina drove through Gotham towards Target, making small talk and Selina singing along to radio every once in awhile. Eventually, they arrived at the store.

“There she is.” Selina said as Bruce pulled the car into a parking space. “The most glorious store ever.”

Bruce looked at her. “It looks really ordinary to me.”

“You watch your mouth, this is Target we’re talking about and you will respect it-” she opened up the door and looked at him. “-or I’ll make you go to Wal-Mart next time. Alone.”

“I haven’t been there either.”

“That makes the threat even greater.”

Selina led Bruce through the packed parking lot, away from the still gray sky, and into the bright store. The both of them were hit with a blast of A/C and the all consuming red and white color scheme that filled the store. She looked over at Bruce, who's quick and wary glance around the store made her smile. She then leaned over to him.

"Welcome to Target," she said.

She pulled one of the thick, red plastic carts over from the horde of them near the door and led Bruce further into the store. For about ten minutes, they wandered around so that Bruce could get used to the idea of Target and so Selina could look over her lists and figure out what was essential to buy.

“This way Bruce,” she said, turning the cart and leading him down towards some aisles. They approached a section full of colorful boxes of crayons, markers, and construction paper.

“Why are we in this aisle?” He asked. Selina paused and looked around. 

“Imagine you’re taking care of a very tall child.” She threw her arms out in front of her to present everything before them. “This is what he needs.”

“This is it?”

Selina broke into a laugh so loud and sudden it made him jump. Still laughing, she shook her head and said: “Gosh no. This isn’t even half of what we need to get still.”

The two of them searched through the arts and crafts section of the store, though Bruce wasn’t really sure what he needed to grab unless Selina told him. Two separate boxes of 100 crayons, three packages of colored pencils, no markers because the Joker would probably draw on things to make Bruce mad, a few sketchbooks so that there wasn’t loose computer paper everywhere (a lesson Selina had to learn herself once), and many, many coloring books, but the two of them came to a disagreement when she picked up a Justice League one.

“No.” Bruce said when Selina showed it to him with the biggest grin on her face.

“Oh Bruce please, I  _ have _ to get it for him. He’d  _ love _ to color you all wrong just to make you mad.” She said, flipping through it. She stopped on a picture of Batman and turned it towards him. “Look! You’re in here!”

“ _ Selina! _ ” He lunged for the coloring book in an attempt to take it from her and hide it so that the exactly 0 people around them would hear her allude to him being Batman. Selina threw her arm back to get it out of his reach, and as he kept trying to snatch it from her, she shoved it down into her sweatshirt.

“Try and get it now! And remember: we’re out in public.” She said with a smile and wink.

“Something I’ll be less willing to do with you again if you keep acting like this.” He said. As she stuck her tongue out at him, a voice behind her made her jump and spin around.

“Ma’am, did you just put something in your sweatshirt?” A blonde woman dressed in a red vest with the Target logo asked.

“Oh right,” Selina pulled the coloring book out of her hoodie and laughed while tossing it into the cart. “I’m not stealing it. That kind of stuff is illegal.”

“Well, please don’t do it again.” The woman said before walking off.

“Yeah, whatever.” Selia whispered as she pushed the cart out of the aisle and shot a look to Bruce. “You won’t let me anyway.”

Later on the two of them made their way back to the toy section, where Selina got Bruce to help her pick out five separate Lego sets (though she did assure him that there was no way the Joker would be willing to follow the instructions and he’d probably just make a rocketship out of the pieces instead). She also enlisted the help of a boy that was about six years old who wandered into the aisle and had quite the insight on which were the best sets to choose from. After the boy’s mother arrived and carried him off with her, apologizing if he bothered Selina and Bruce (which he hadn’t, as Bruce assured), Selina turned to Bruce while setting another box of Legos in the cart.

“I want you to adopt that kid, he was absolutely adorable.” She said.

“I thought you hated children?” Bruce asked, though with a smile.

She shrugged. “I got used to your kids and now I love them, go figure.”

They kept on through the store before Selina halted the trip when they reached the movies. When Bruce got a look at the list she was pouring through of the movies she wanted to find, he found that it had been organized by genres - classic, musical, and animated - then priority level, and went on for  _ pages _ .

“Why are there so many?” He asked.

“Sometimes we have to settle for backups when the ones we really need aren’t available. Wait-” she paused, then leapt for one on the shelf in front of her. “Good, yes, okay.  _ Chicago _ is a high priority one.” She set it in the cart and then started to search for others on the list. “You always want to go for the higher ones, because they’re the ones that he’ll sit down and watch without question. He thinks he’d insult the movie or something if he didn’t give it the attention it deserves.” She paused, then grabbed another movie. “He’s weird.”

“I figured.”

Selina huffed and glared at the shelves. “There’s no Disney movies, and there’s none of the Dreamworks movies he likes either. And there’s like, no other good movies he likes here anyway.”

“Didn’t you say you could order some?” Bruce asked.

“No, I said  _ you _ could order some.” She waved a dismissive hand. “I’ll just send you the list later and you can get them from there. I just hoped there were some here so you wouldn’t have to wait for them to ship and everything.” Then she nudged Bruce with her elbow. “But I bet as the super powerful CEO of your big fancy company could get them sooner.”

He raised an eyebrow and smiled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’ve seen you get replacement pieces for the suits within a day, practically.” She started to walk off and pulled the cart behind her. “And I know you did the same for my birthday present this year.”

Before Bruce could respond, Selina was already out of the aisle.

They made a few more stops around the store before they were done. Bags of candy and other snacks (so that way at least the Joker ate  _ something _ ), several different shades and brands of red lipstick (since Selina couldn’t figure out which one he usually used, plus she threw in a couple other colors, though Bruce soon found out this was for her instead), and just some other housekeeping items.

And soon enough after, the two of them were out of Target and headed back to the manor with everything piled in a mountain in the backseat.

Selina glanced over at Bruce with a smile on their way back. “I told you he was expensive.”

“I didn’t doubt you.” He said. “I just hope he appreciates this enough to not be a hassle.”

Selina let out a laugh. “Oh Bruce, that was never going to happen.”


	7. Criminally Tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi this isn't funny except for one line  
> I should have stopped after that one line  
> Anyway this takes place in the TDD universe before the story where Selina, Ed, and Joker lived together

“The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.” Ed said, staring down at the Joker, who sat on the floor in front of the sofa staring down and sucking on the ring on his finger. Selina was on the opposite end of the couch, also staring down at the Joker. The Joker turned to Ed, barely stifling a laugh and looking at him with such disbelief before taking the ring out of his mouth.

“Wow, Ed,” he said, grinning and shaking his head. “My  fucking Ring Pop is no match for  your impeccable deduction skills.”

Ed smiled back while Selina burst into laughter. “Just thought you should know.” He said. The Joker went back to eating the candy ring while the other two watched in very tired amusement. 

It was four in the morning. They had been planning on going out that night and harassing Gotham, but at the very last second they all changed their minds and decided to stay in and watch TV. Or at the very least, they watched TV until Ed’s TV stopped working. Then they started listening to musical soundtracks that the Joker had. That started 5 hours ago, and they weren’t close to being done.

Selina dropped her hand from propping up her head and rested her head instead on her outstretched arm on the couch’s arm. One leg was stretch out and nested behind Ed on the couch, while the other was curled up under her. Ed had his knees pulled up on the cushions with him and his arms crossed. The Joker’s back was up against the couch and his legs stretched out in front of him. He pulled the Ring Pop out of his mouth again, but didn’t turn to the others.

“Do you ever think about how weird everything is?” He asked.

Selina sighed, her eyes now shut. “Like what everything?” She paused. “Which everything?”

“Like,” he started. “Our everything.”

“Like what?” She asked.

He huffed. “Like,” a pause, “I don’t know. We’re all just...sitting here. Listening to  _ Legally Blonde _ .”

“What about it?” Ed asked.

“I mean. We’re all criminals. Like, wanted criminals.”

“And?” She asked.

“Isn’t it weird?” He asked. There was a moment of silence, then he stuck the Ring Pop back in his mouth.

“Not for us really.” Selina said. “We’re just weird anyway.”

“Yeah.” Ed said.

The Joker shook his head and took the candy out of his mouth again. “Yeah sure but, think about it.”

“It’s too late for this, J.” Selina said.

“But-” he got up from the floor and flipped himself around, leaning on the cushion between Ed and Selina. “-it’s just weird.”

“We’re not arguing with you, J.” Selina said, sliding down to the floor, though keeping her legs on the couch. “I just want you to shut up.”

The Joker stared at her for a bit before plopping himself back down on the floor next to her. Ed stretched out his legs on the couch as Selina reached over and turned up the stereo. “Positive” pumped out of the speakers and filled up the room.

“The neighbors are going to hate us.” Ed said.

“Blame it on, J.” Selina said.

“They don’t know he lives here.” Ed replied.

“Blame it on him anyway.”

“I can take it.” The Joker said, pressing his forehead into the couch cushion and staring down at his Ring Pop.

“If you insist.” Ed said.

“I can’t wait to fight the neighbors.” The Joker said. “Put on  _ Chicago _ when I do.”

“Give ‘em the old razzle dazzle, J.” Selina laughed, though with no energy in it all.

Ed sighed and slumped down on the couch. “You two are going to get us all evicted.”


	8. So Is It Me...Or Are the Crooks Getting Lamer As We Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Later on in the TDD timeline, Robin and the Joker have to stop Firefly and Mr. Freeze through the power of insults and bad puns.

Robin and the Joker hid together behind a metal shipping crate, both poised and ready to run at a moment’s notice. They had been trying to stop Mr. Freeze and Firefly on their own tonight since Batman was away with Justice League business. Unfortunately, that tag team was much more equipped than this semi-heroic duo was prepared for. The two did manage to shake the villains off their trail in this maze of shipping containers, which they figured could buy them some time to think of a plan.

“We’re gonna get freeze fried.” The Joker said.

“There’s got to be something we can do!” Robin said, glancing up to the dark sky as Firefly flew over and past them. They could hear him and Mr. Freeze shouting back and forth to each other, as well as the sounds of Firefly’s flamethrower and Mr. Freeze’s freeze ray.

“Sure, but I certainly don’t know what it is.” The Joker replied, looking to Robin.

“C’mon, you’ve got to know something! You’ve worked with both of them before, so you’ve got to have some sort of idea.”

“Robin!” The Joker’s hand went to his chest in admission. “I’m the one who introduced those two to each other!” His hand then flew up to the sky. “I’m the reason we’re stuck in this mess now all because I thought it’d be funny if they worked together!” Both hands flew up. “I called it Freezer Burn!”

“But-”

“Firefly!” The voice came from the other end of the pathway between the containers. The Joker spun around and Robin jumped away from the one he leaned on. Mr. Freeze stood beyond them. He called up to the sky. “They’re over here!”

“Go go go go go!” The Joker shoved Robin forward and the two sprinted for the nearby warehouse as Firefly and Mr. Freeze chased after them again. Robin and the Joker fled into the warehouse, ducking behind a pyramid of crates in an effort to hide. The warehouse was full of crates stacked in such a way it was as much a maze as the outside had been. Except, instead of metal like the shipping containers, these crates were wooden.

Robin glanced around at the crates. “We’re going to die in here.”

They heard Firefly and Mr. Freeze enter and start calling after them, taunting and threatening them. The Joker and Robin started to slink around the warehouse away from them before settling behind a different set of crates. The Joker stared at the crates for a moment.

“Oh boy…” he started. Robin glanced to him, then to the crates. Written in bold on the sides were dozens and dozens of warnings about fireworks.

“We are definitely going to die in here.” Robin said.

The two stayed quiet for a bit as Firefly and Mr. Freeze continued to search around for them. The Joker thought back to all the times he could remember spending with the two. Something had to give him a clue on how to get away from them. There had to be  _ something _ .

Oh, wait.

“I’ve got an idea.” The Joker said with a smile. Robin raised his eyebrows, waiting for the explanation. The Joker turned to him. “We insult them.”

Robin stared at him for a moment. “What?”

“Insult them!” He said, barely in a whisper.  “They’re  _ really _ good friends, so they’ll get so defensive of the other that they’ll stop thinking rationally. We can at the very least get Firefly to set off a couple fireworks, and that’ll distract Freeze too. It’ll give us enough time to run away!”

Robin thought about it. It was a plan, that’s for sure. Not really a good one, but it was a plan. And they didn’t really have any others, nor did they have much time to think up anymore.

“Okay, sure.” He started. “How do we insult-”

“Wow Robin!” The Joker shouted over the crates. “We’ve been out all night, but I’ve got to ask: is it just me, or are the crooks getting lamer as we go?”

Robin pursed his lips as he listened to Firefly and Mr. Freeze hurry towards them. The Joker grabbed Robin’s hand and pulled him along out of their hiding spot to another one behind a different stack of crates.

“Ooh, puns!” The Joker’s eyes went wide and his smile returned as he realized the new potential of his insults. He turned and shouted back towards where Mr. Freeze and Firefly were. “I mean Freeze certainly thinks he’s  _ cooler _ than he actually is, but we all know  _ that _ facade is melting away!”

“You watch what you’re saying, clown!” Firefly called out. The crackle of fire sounded for a moment before Mr. Freeze shouted at Firefly to shut it off and be careful.

“Freeze! Get a handle on your partner there.” The Joker took Robin’s hand again and the two readied themselves to run off again. “He’s getting a little too  _ hot-headed _ !”

The flamethrower went off  again and the Joker and Robin sprinted off for another section of the warehouse. Safely behind a different set of crates, they could just catch a glimpse of Mr. Freeze and Firefly scrambling around to find them. The fire hadn’t hit any of the crates yet, so they’d have to keep egging them on.

“Geez Joker,” Robin shouted, deciding to finally join the Joker in on the aggravation. “Can’t you just give it a  _ roast _ ?”

“That was awful.” The Joker whispered to him with a grin.

“I know it was shut up.” Robin said with a smile back.

The Joker shook his head and played off Robin’s mockery in order to focus on everything again. “I can’t help it! I just want to see how the cops  _ grill _ ‘em when they get here!”

Firefly spotted them and blasted his flamethrower towards them. They managed to duck out of the way in time, but still, it hadn’t set off the fireworks.

“Gosh, Firefly!” The Joker called as he and Robin ran off again. “I thought Mr. Freeze would have taught you to  _ chill out  _ by now, but I guess you still haven’t figured out how to constructively blow off any steam!”

And for about another ten minutes, Robin and the Joker ran around the warehouse, shouting insults and puns at the villainous pair, splitting up from time to time to cover more ground and target both criminals at once. All until they met up again and delivered a final line to Firefly, which was bad enough to get him to set off the fireworks.

“You know, Robin,” the Joker started as he grabbed onto Robin’s shoulder and stared at Firefly and Mr. Freeze as they ran towards them. “We’re really on thin ice if they’re bringing the heat like this today!”

“Alright, I’m done with this.” Firefly lifted up his flamethrower again and fired it right at the duo as Mr. Freeze desperately tried to stop him. The Joker and Robin dove away, letting the fire hit a tower of fireworks crates dead on, and scrambled to escape the ensuing light show.

As they ran away from the basically exploding warehouse, they dipped into the maze of shipping containers when they noticed police cars approaching. When they were sure that the police hadn’t seen the Joker and Robin fleeing the warehouse, they clambered up onto one of the stacks of containers to watch the cops take Firefly and Mr. Freeze away. 

While they caught their breath, Robin ,sitting cross legged on the shipping container, looked over at the Joker.

“I still can’t believe you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re working with Batman and me.” He said. 

The Joker, laying on his side next to Robin, shrugged. “Still getting used to it.”

They watched quietly as the police pulled Mr. Freeze and Firefly along out of the warehouse in handcuffs, both looking a bit worse for wear now.

“You know Robin,” the Joker started. Robin turned to him, and the Joker flashed him a smile. “That was a pretty great burn.”

Robin stared at him for a while. “I don’t want to work with you anymore.”

His response made the Joker laugh, though a bit too loud as the police took notice.

“Oh shoot.” The Joker said before he and Robin leapt up from the shipping container and away into the night.


	9. Baseball cards? What are you, five?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have more randomly sad Joker pre Dysfunctional Duo timeline and back when he and Selina lived with Ed

Selina flips through the wallet she lifted as she exits the elevator and heads for Ed’s apartment. Cash, coins, gas card, a license she pulls out and drops down the air vent on the floor in the hallway with the others she’s dropped from dozens of other wallets, credit cards, a debit card, baseball cards…

Her eyebrows creased as she slid them out of the wallet. “Baseball cards? Really?” She shakes her head. “What are you, five?”

She slips them underneath the runner rug outside the apartment’s door, swapping them for the spare key she kept hidden there. Sure, she could hear the Joker’s music from the otherside of the door so she could’ve just knocked, but at the same time, she could hear the Joker’s music from out in the hallway. There’d be no way he’d be able to hear her knock on the door. And if he was playing his music this loud, Ed probably wasn’t home yet. Or if he was, he had completely stopped caring about if the Joker got on the neighbors’ nerves. And, as Selina knew, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

She unlocks the door and, holding it open slightly to keep it from locking again, she slips the key back under the rug. She stands back up and steps into the apartment. The Joker is there on the couch with one arm over his face and lying stretched out over the couch in its entirety. One foot dangles by the stereo, probably to change the songs or volume instead of getting up every time he wanted to. This is same stereo Selina stole a couple months ago and had been planning on selling, but just never quite gets around to it. Plus, it helps keep the Joker mostly under control when she and Ed weren’t around to manage him. Apparently music is great at helping him decompress.

“Hey.” She says, pulling the cash from the wallet and sliding it into her back pocket.

“Hi.” He says, loud enough to cut through the music just in case his tone didn’t.

“Someone’s in a bad mood.” She tosses the wallet onto the nearby kitchen counter.

“I’m always in a bad mood.”

“Says the man who smiles more than anyone I’ve ever met and laughs at just about everything.” She sits down on the couch in the space between his outstretched legs. He lets out a grumble and pulls his other leg up and onto the couch, sliding it behind Selina along with his other one. She rolls her eyes. “Oh come on, I’ve seen you find the humor in things as boring as sidewalks.”

“That’s because if the world tilted wrong they’d all become slidewalks, and that’s hilarious.”

She grins for a moment. “So what’s wrong, J?”

He turns over to face the back of the couch, still managing to keep his arm over his face, letting out a groan in the process.

“Ah, I see.” Selina smiles. “Everything.”

“I just…” He groans again.

“Of course.”

“Have you ever just wanted to just walk around the city or something and not have any second thoughts about anything?”

She raises an eyebrow. Yeah, she kind of gets that. Sort of. She knew that he’s talking about getting arrested or something. There were a couple of days it freaked her out sure. But she wasn’t exactly as recognizable as he was. She at least wore a mask and stayed in the shadows. He couldn’t go anywhere without turning it into an event.

“Did you try going somewhere today?” She asks.

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“Just the corner store a street over.”

Her eyebrow furrows. “I thought they knew your face by now?”

“They’ve got a new employee.”

“Oh.”

His arm drops from his face and he stares at the cushion. Selina watches him in turn. If he wasn’t a criminal, this wouldn’t be a problem. But whatever. It’s not like he could take anything he’s done back anymore. Gotham isn’t just going to settle for an apology and move on.

But the regret is familiar to Selina. She feels it all the time when she’s lying awake and staring at her ceiling in the dead of night. At least nowadays she did.  Living here with Ed and actually having a bed to sleep in made her question things. Had stealing started turning into a hobby now instead of a requirement to survive? It could almost become an addiction if she wasn’t careful.

Maybe that’s what was going on with him too. Maybe he was getting attached to the thrill of the crime. From her perspective, it was always fun to him. Didn’t excuse what he did, but it’d give him an actual reasoning behind why he’s sticking with it. At least, it reasoned it out to Selina. She never quite knew why he stuck with it, personally. It’s not like he was ever interested in keeping anything from any of his exploits unless he thought it was funny or weird.

She pats his leg and stands up. “C’mon.”

He looks at her. “What?”

“We’re going to the corner store again.” She pulls the cash from her pocket. “I’ll buy.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Why are we going back?”

“Because I don’t think they’ll dare to say no to you twice.” She says. He gives her the faintest of smiles before sighing and finally getting up from the couch.


	10. Never Respect the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alt. Title: Ed Gets Drunk and Says "Fuck" A Lot

Selina, Ed, Pamela, the Joker, and Oswald were on top of one of the many roofs of Gotham after one of their cooperative heists. It was one of the ones that didn’t end up working out since Batman and Robin caught onto it early, but these five managed to get away by leaving their henchmen behind in order to distract the duo. Now the group was just trying to catch their breath and figure out what to do for the rest of the night.

As the others discussed if they should just hide or try hitting up some other place, Ed’s phone rang and he stepped away from the group to answer it.

“Hello?” Ed asked.

“ _ Am I speaking with Edward Nashton? _ ” The woman on the other end of the line asked. Her voice was stern and formal, and the fact that she used Ed’s old last name made him cringe. She must have worked for his father.

“It’s Nygma now. And yes, I’m him.” Ed replied.

“ _ Of course.  _ Nygma.” The way she said it was almost in the same vein of how someone would try so hard to keep from fully touching some disgusting rag from the floor that they wanted to throw away. “ _ I wanted to let you know that two hours ago your father had a heart attack and has since passed away. _ ”

Ed felt his breath catch and he froze, staring beyond the buildings around him. “What?”

“ _ You father has died. _ ” She said.

“He’s dead?” He asked again. Everyone behind him stopped talking, but he barely noticed.

“ _ As he requested, you will be responsible for the details of the funeral and I will send you the details of his will at my next available time.” _ The woman said. “ _ You have my condolences. _ ”

“Ed?” Pamela asked, walking over to him.

“Uh…” Ed shook his head and ignored Pamela. “Yeah. Thank you.”

“ _ Of course. _ ” The woman hung up. Ed took the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a moment.

“What’s wrong?” Pamela asked.

Ed creased his brow. “My dad died.”

He felt the others around him freeze up for a moment. He wasn’t surprised about their reactions - they weren’t really the kind of people to try to sympathize about death.

“Ed, I’m so sorry.” Pamela said. The rest of the group gave half hearted condolences as well. Ed look away from his phone and back towards the city. Selina put a hand on his shoulder, which somehow made Ed snap to the reality of it. And with that snap, he burst into laughter, making the group freeze up again.

The Joker cocked his head at Ed and gave his own smile. “Well that’s not what I expected. I’m usually the only person who laughs when someone dies.”

“Are you kidding?” Ed asked, turning to him. “Of course I’m happy -  _ my fucking father’s dead! _ ” He threw out his arms and let out another laugh as he stared up at the sky. “That abusive sack of shit is dead! I outlived that bastard!” He held his hands to his mouth and shouted out to the city: “Enjoy rotting in Hell, you motherfucking son of a bitch!”

He spun around to look at his friends, who all had varying degrees of confusion, shock, and joy on their faces. Again he threw his arms out and grinned.

“Let’s go get drunk to celebrate! I’m buying!” He said.

 

Barely an hour later and the group was at their usual bar in their usual booth, and Ed was already drunk. The rest of the group weren’t sure how to react to his utter joy, so they were staying rather sober.

“You know that motherfucker made my life a living hell growing up.” Ed said, waving his hands around as he talked, almost knocking his drink over in the process. “Can’t get anything below an ‘A’ - fuck, even an ‘A-’ wasn’t good enough for that fucker. I literally spent every waking hour doing my homework and working on shit like that. Couldn’t even leave the fucking house.” He shook his head. “Plus, he never even fucking  _ believed _ I was getting those ‘A’s anyway. He always thought I was cheating or something unless I had some kind of  _ proof _ . And that’s not even getting into all the other shit he put me through but I’ll never be drunk enough to talk about that.” With a huff he sat back in the booth. “Man, I hated growing up in that house.”

“Didn’t your mom try to do anything about it? Or was she just as bad?” Oswald asked.

“Oh boo, my mom did  _ shit _ for me. They got divorced when I was 10 and she did fuck all to get custody of me. ” Ed slid down in the seat and clutched his drink in his hand. “Not that would have even made a difference in doing anything better for me. Last time I saw her she was in a fucking crack den, so who the fuck knows where she is now.”

“At least one of them’s dead now.” Selina said.

“Hell fucking yes he’s dead.” Ed almost shouted with a smile, lifting his drink in the air and sliding himself back up in the seat. “I hope I’m the reason he had a heart attack. I hope he found out I’m the Riddler and was so disappointed it killed him.” He took a gulp of his drink and set it back down on the table. “Perfect fucking justice.”

“Well,” Pamela started. “Is your life better now?”

“Fuck no it’s not.” Ed glared at her. The response made everyone at the table go quiet and watch him. He threw out a hand, knocking his drink over. The Joker leapt to pick it up and Selina grabbed what napkins she could to clean it up. Ed didn’t even acknowledge it, instead continuing with his drunken rant. “My life has never been good and it never will be. It’s a fucking mess and I’ll never actually be happy with what’s going on in it. All it got when I became a criminal was  _ interesting _ .”

He slumped back into the seat and they watched him again as he went on. “I wasted 8 years to get my doctorate that I can’t even fucking use because who’d hire the fucking Riddler? I could have had an actual fucking job but oh no, crime sounded much better. Definitely fucking a reliable occupation to have.”

He sighed and stared at the wooden table, still shiny from his spilled drink. “I’m a fucking mess and my life gets worse every day. I’ll never be happy and everything I do just makes everything more awful.”

Pamela pushed her drink aside. “I think you need to go home, Ed.”

“Yeah, you haven’t been this drunk since your finals were over.” The Joker said.

“The same finals that I thought were over and then had to go to another one the day after completely hungover.” Ed grumbled to himself.

“Alright, c’mon. We’re taking you home.” Selina said as she pushed the Joker out of the booth and dragged Ed along with her. Pamela and Oswald got out afterwards.

“I’m still glad he’s fucking dead. Good riddance and fuck off to him.” Ed said, leaning on Selina once he stood up. He glanced at the Joker. “We should burn his big ol’ piece of shit mansion down.”

“Okay!” The Joker smiled. “I met a kid who’d be able to help us too. Think he’s a bit of a pyromaniac to be honest. He’d be all for it.”

“Make it as big a fire as fucking possible. I want every trace of him I can get to be gone.” Ed said as the group led him out of the bar.


	11. You're blushing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think this is one of those where the notes for myself were "Make it sad"  
> It's also featuring something I'm not entirely sure if I want to be part of Ed and Selina's backstories? Idk yet, I keep thinking about it so it probably will be, but it just doesn't work out in the end because it just...doesn't lol  
> Anyway  
> I also do not remember if I edited this  
> (Also takes place way before the events of the AU but that's probably obvious)

Harleen sat with Ed on the tall bleachers as they watched the university’s football team practicing on the field. Ed was stretched out over a few rows while Harleen sat just behind his shoulder.  Both wore sunglasses, both from the bright sun in the cloudless sky and to hopefully obscure their appearances as they watched. They had decided part of their psychology project for Dr. Crane’s class was going to be something about group mentality, and so, through an array of logical hoops, decided watching the football players practice would be a part of that. Deep down they both knew they just wanted to watch a group of strong men run around, but they decided to lie to themselves about it instead.

“Just look at number 29’s calves.” Harleen grinned as she leaned over next to Ed’s head.

“Oh, I have been.” Ed laughed, making Harleen laugh as well. He made a motion with his head over to another side of the field. “But you should really take a look at 63’s arms” He shook his head and bit his lip. “I’d love to have him pin me against a wall.”’

Harleen let out another laugh and Ed turned back to smile at her. As she pulled herself back together, she shook her head. “I love how open you are about your crushes.”

Ed shrugged and turned back to the field. “I’ve got a type and I want them to wreck me.”

“I can tell.” She said. They watched the players again for a while before she glanced over at Ed. “So how’s Selina doin’?”

He took a deep breath and tilted his head over so slightly. A faint smile crossed his face. “She’s good. She’s a good roommate.”

“That’s good!” Harleen pulled a pack of gum from her jacket pocket, dangly bracelets clinking as she did. “How long’s it been since she moved in anyway?”

Ed scratched his head. “I don’t know. Maybe about...four months? Something like that.”

“Really?” She shook her head and popped a stick of gum in her mouth. “Feels like you were just telling me about it for the first time yesterday. But that’s good that you two aren’t sick of each other yet!”

He shrugged. “Yeah. We get along.”

“Yeah, Ed, I’ve noticed.” She said with a sly look at him. He turned a bit away with a small grin and a flush across his cheeks. “Hey Ed?”

“What?” He asked, still looking away.

She leaned closer. “You’re blushin.’”

“I am not.” He said, tensing himself up a bit. “It’s just the sun.”

She shrugged. “Alright.”

The two kept on talking, moving the topic along to classes, professors, the players still practicing on the field ahead of them, who they’d been hanging out with, all sorts until Harleen got caught up on this guy who had been flirting with her.

“He just broke up with his last girlfriend, like, only two weeks ago.” She shook her head and stretched out her back. “Like, buddy, I know you’re just tryin’ to rebound me. I ain’t an idiot.”

Ed nodded, then paused. He glanced over at her. “How do you know you’re a rebound?”

“‘Cause it’s like, _way_ too soon for him to want a real relationship.” She leaned back over towards Ed. “He’s definitely not over his ex and probably just wants sex or somethin’.”

Ed didn’t reply, instead he just stared at the people on the field.

She tilted her head. “Why do you ask?”

For another moment, he hesitated, then asked: “If I tell you something, can you promise not to say anything to anyone? Like, anyone.”

She gave a playful push to his shoulder. “Of course, Eddie. We’re buds. I can keep your secret.”

He watched the players for a second more. “I think I’m a rebound.”

Harleen tilted her head. “Ed, for who?”

Ed looked down at his feet and said nothing. She watched him for a while, trying to figure out who it could be. He didn’t really hang out with a lot of people -- in fact, coming with her to the practice field was probably the most he’d been out of his apartment in a while. The only other person she really knew him to hang around was Selina, but…

She thought back to a month before. Selina _had_ called Harleen crying about how her boyfriend had broken up with her. The next day in class, Ed had told Harleen the same thing and how he had stayed up talking with Selina for most of the night.

“Ed…” Harleen started. “Are you Selina’s rebound?” Ed glanced away. Harleen frowned. “Oh, Eddie…”

He shook his head and sat up on the bleacher bench. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize it until just now.”

Harleen got up and stepped down to the row he was on, sitting down next to him and setting a hand on his back after she had. “Are you sure your a rebound, though? Maybe-”

“Harl,” he turned to her, making her cut herself off. He sighed and turned back to the field. “I feel like such an idiot.”

“You ain’t an idiot, Ed!” Harleen put her other hand on his shoulder. He just looked down at his shoes again.

“Yeah. Sure I’m not.” He said, then shook his head again. “It’s not even like I should really be upset at it anyway -- all we’ve done is sleep together a couple times so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But…” he took a deep breath. “I don’t know. I guess since we’ve been friends for so long I figured maybe this was just how things went but….I don’t know.”

She set her head on his shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Ed.”

He set his head against hers. “Maybe I should just talk to her.”

“That’d be a good idea.”

“But…” he hesitated. “What if it makes everything between us go bad? I can’t lose her -- she’s one of my best friends. I don’t want to screw that up.”

“You guys just gotta be nice about it, that’s all.” She said.

“I guess.” Ed said. He sighed. “....but I…”

“What?”

He shifted his head a bit. “...I don’t really want to…not...be with her.”

There was a pause. Harleen took a deep breath. “Can I be real with you, Eddie?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t think you’re actually afraid to be with her, I think you’re more afraid to just be lonely.” She said.

He didn’t reply for a bit. “Maybe.”

Ed leaned against her further and she held onto him tighter.


End file.
